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Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

Are you familiar with the expression spring neurosis? I wouldn’t think so… I want to believe that I somehow coined or invented the phrase, although I’m pretty sure a certain symbolistic poet may have used it, or at leat suggest it (got it?) somewhere down the line, so it might be just a subconscious impulse and nothing that great… This only grows the neurosis…

Anyway, the spring neurosis is a very common “affection”, or so I believe. It’s that anxiety that hits you every spring, mostly because the big changes that you encounter all over the place, but that’s only a mere pretext. A spring neurosis comes from the spring changes, but it’s mostly a psychological and emotional strain those changes puts on you and like any other illness, you have to fight it and eventually overcome it

As for me, it hits me every spring. It hits me more often than that, but never like this. This spring I had to move out from the apartment I lived in for almost 4 years, a place to be called home, to another apartment a couple of blocks away. The motifs are above me and not to be debated. Anyway, this was the pretext, along the spring which brings a whole new perspective over the world. I can’t just shut my eyes and ignore everything… and maybe that’s not a particular wrong thing, but maybe it’s also a defect…

To give you an idea of what I’m going through, it’s like this anxiety that comes and goes, sometimes fear, sometimes hate, sometimes simple boredom… and it’s very hard if you ask me, but I know there are people who are having worse than that and I wish them all the best, because every spring neurosis eventually heals, leaving room for some other, more complicated emotional, psychological issues…

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It’s spring again. The sun shines brightly over the sky, watching, taking care of the small and insignificant creatures from down below. The warmth got everywhere and everything. There is fresh smell in the air and a new chapter is ready to be written.

The spring picture has something false in it. Maybe is just the awareness that another part of the year had passed and you still haven’t reached your goals. Is that strong change that makes you realise how evanescent you are. The nature came all alive, but in less than half a year it all be dead. You will be getting old and die just as fast and you’re not coming back. You’ll be stuck in an empty memory…

It all happens again and again, from year to year. It all seems so familiar and yet, it looks like a framing picture of the past and present. Maybe that’s how I feel about myself in the spring. Maybe I’ve been growing in the past year and everything looks different now. The spring makes me realise that time is passing…

I should be happy like the rest of my fellows and yet, I’m anxious, afraid, maybe nostalgic. I feel like a leaf, left behind by the cold winter. I remember the past times and I realise how much I have lost, how many moments, friendships and places I have missed. It makes me wanna cry, loud and clear, but I can’t. The autumn is the season of rains. Now, the sun has to shine. I have to be normal. All the people look the same to me, laughing for an unknown reason. Don’t they see? Don’t they feel? Is there something wrong with me?

I fear. I fear so much. The spring may never be more beautiful than now, but as long as I’m not in the same mood, it makes no sense. Maybe I can’t see pass my reflection. Maybe I got stuck in this ever going phenomenon of nature…I don’ know what to think. I see one thing, but I feel a totally different one. I hear a bird singing, but it seems like a scream to me. I see happy faces running around and they all look dead to me…

The spring neurosis is a natural phenomenon for humans. Only few of them feel it…

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It’s raining cats and dogs as I’m writing these words. I don’t know why, but I always fancied the rain and the atmosphere around this natural phenomenon. No… I love it!

Maybe it’s my way to go deep in insights or just to go spiritual. Maybe I synchronise with something upper, a mych more complex mechanism than I am, something I’m not able to understand.

So much meaning lies in the nature, in this rain, in those little drops of water, in all of us. And I’m thinking, isn’t my life, our existence, just a fall of rain, a futile storm of ideas and dream? Aren’t we futile, ephemeral?

How I love to stand in here, with my coup of tea, listening to a specific song, watching down the window. Or standing in the rain, singing my own song, drinking my coup of…dreams. We live in a beautiful world. We do. We may not see it. But under that coldness and darkness of the heavy clouds, there lies a sun and a beauty I can’t describe.

Maybe I’m being abstract or I stick to the point. Maybe I’m being romantic…In doesn’t matter as long as the water keeps falling down.

It’s raining as I write…I will continue another time. For now, I just want to enjoy the rain.

Your humble writer and fellow, to eternity, or as long as the rain stands, Sorry.

P.S. : I will write you as soon as I can, as soon as I’m ready.

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Futility

"Futility of futilities, all is futile"

Sorry

"Live to the point of tears"